Monday, April 1, 2013

Just because I'm not OUT, doesn't mean I'm still IN

I am not OUT all the way as a nonbeliever.  My family, they know.  They know but they don't ask.  We don't discuss.  EVER.  My mother is a devout woman.  A strong Methodist Christian.  She is a believer through and through.  She has a prayer book full of things to pray for and I'm 100% positive that I am on the list.  Not just because I'm her daughter but because I've turned my cheek.  I know she MUST be worried.  But, she never says one word.  Not a single word.  I'm so incredibly grateful for that.  Grateful?  Yes, Grateful. 

I don't want to hurt my mom with a painful conversation about my views.  I think she probably thinks MAYBE I'll change my mind and I'm going to let her keep on thinking that, because it's probably getting her through.  But, I won't be changing my mind.  I've tried.  GOD I've tried! 


I have put in A LOT of thought.  I've taken away every example of Christianity and just asked myself the questions and the answers are the same every time.  I don't see it.  I literally do not see it.  That thing that Christians do when they take the leap and believe?  Have faith (small as a mustard seed).  Faithfully believe?  I do not see it.  It is not in my worldview.  It is not in my psyche.  It is not in my soul. I have other opinions, strong ones.  But, the Christian opinion, I do not have.  and, I am not going to have any epiphanies.

So, I keep accepting the bracelet's with a cross on it and the mustard seed pins and the FAITH sign for my house and the Cross carved from wood by my Uncle.  And I smile and say, thank you.  Because, that's not that hard for me to do.  And it makes my mom happy.  And she is a good mom.  And a good Christian.  And she's just doing her part.  And I get that. 

I'm not really "out" as a nonbeliever, implied-definitely, imagined to be-probably, but technically-no declarations have been given.  Until pressed to do so, I'll stay here, quiet and unbelieving.  But, just because I'm not "out" certainly doesn't mean I'm in. 

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