I am not OUT all the way as a nonbeliever. My family, they know. They know but they don't ask. We don't discuss. EVER. My mother is a devout woman. A strong Methodist Christian. She is a believer through and through. She has a prayer book full of things to pray for and I'm 100% positive that I am on the list. Not just because I'm her daughter but because I've turned my cheek. I know she MUST be worried. But, she never says one word. Not a single word. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. Grateful? Yes, Grateful.
I don't want to hurt my mom with a painful conversation about my views. I think she probably thinks MAYBE I'll change my mind and I'm going to let her keep on thinking that, because it's probably getting her through. But, I won't be changing my mind. I've tried. GOD I've tried!
I have put in A LOT of thought. I've taken away every example of Christianity and just asked myself the questions and the answers are the same every time. I don't see it. I literally do not see it. That thing that Christians do when they take the leap and believe? Have faith (small as a mustard seed). Faithfully believe? I do not see it. It is not in my worldview. It is not in my psyche. It is not in my soul. I have other opinions, strong ones. But, the Christian opinion, I do not have. and, I am not going to have any epiphanies.
So, I keep accepting the bracelet's with a cross on it and the mustard seed pins and the FAITH sign for my house and the Cross carved from wood by my Uncle. And I smile and say, thank you. Because, that's not that hard for me to do. And it makes my mom happy. And she is a good mom. And a good Christian. And she's just doing her part. And I get that.
I'm not really "out" as a nonbeliever, implied-definitely, imagined to be-probably, but technically-no declarations have been given. Until pressed to do so, I'll stay here, quiet and unbelieving. But, just because I'm not "out" certainly doesn't mean I'm in.